The Infernal Hole
(a letter to Breville)
by Marc Friedlander
Dear Breville
I have just purchased your Citrus Press.
I'll get right to the point.
Why is there a little hole in the Juice Spout?
Can you explain that to me?
Half the juice wound up on my counter before I realized it was flowing out that hole.
I had to modify your product to make it work. Isn't that pretty lame-oh of you guys? I think it is.
Luckily I had an extra stopper that was perfect for sealing the hole. I got the stopper from a container I bought at the same time as the press, to collect the juice in. They provided an extra - maybe because they figured it would be needed to correct your product - and it was. Fit perfectly. I have nothing else that would have worked.
And I love the tiny label next to the hole, telling me to prevent drips, I should lift the Juice Spout. I only saw the label cleaning up the sticky mess, after I neglected to lift the Juice Spout, not having seen the tiny label.
Seriously, do you have to have the hole at all? I don't see it as a cost savings (I'm a retired product designer, among other things), because it's an extra feature. AND then you also need a label.
Extra parts and features, extra assembly, extra cost. Does anybody WANT the drip option? If they do, how about making THEM do something to get it to drip, and for the rest of us (who I have to assume are in the majority) - well, we want our juice straight into the glass, where it would go, without THAT INFERNAL HOLE.
May I ask you, what idiot decided to put a hole in the spout? Reminds me of one of those dribble glasses - you know, a glass with a small hole in the side so when butt-of-joke drinks, he dribbles water on himself. Thank you for the hilarious April Fool's prank, but it's 4/19/2017. Your prank is almost 3 weeks late.
Now wait - stay with me please. This gets even better.
Once I saw the label with the instructions, I said, well, okay, now that I know how to prevent the drip, I don't have to throw this (otherwise fablulous) piece of shit out the window, or more likely, bring it back to BBB for a refund. But I didn't want to do those things because it's a great juicer and exactly what I need. BUT WITHOUT A HOLE IN THE FUCKING SPOUT!
(Am I making myself clear?)
But sooooo okay, you got to use two hands, one to press down on the Juice Press Arm, and one to lift up the Juice Spout, preventing the drip. Two handed operation. Maybe it's a safety feature. I'll cut you guys a break. I'd rather I didn't have to do it this way, but I'm dying for some fresh orange juice at this point. Dying.
All the messy, gooey, schmutzy, sticky orange juice now cleaned off the counter AND the press, and all over the place. Not the ceiling. But the floor.
Okay, let's squeeze some juice here.
Am I ready? Check all systems! (after all I don't want another deluge of juice, now do I?)
-Machine plugged back in? (oops no, but it is now)
-Container to collect the juice in place? CHECK!
-Orange half impaled on the cone? CHECK!
-Big roll of paper towel close at hand (just in case)? CHECK!
All systems are GO! Ready for lift off, um, juice pressing.
Now, this time heeding the tiny label, I lift the Juice Spout with one hand, to, (your words), "stop drips".
Then I finally, hopefully, inquiringly, depress the Juice Press Arm with my other hand. Interesting! There is once again juice flowing down on to my counter and floor, only a bit less than before.
My options: a big mess or a slightly smaller mess. There is no mess-less option at all.
Once again I had to clean everything up. I was furious at this point. Ya got me again, haw haw.
At this point I was ready to bring it back quite dissapointed and angry, but a thought occurred to me - maybe I can mod this thing so it actually works - a thought that escaped your designers.
Really - I ask you this in all sincerety - do you ever test your products? I ask because product testing was a really big thing for us, when I worked in design engineering and manufacturing, in both military and commercial products, for 38 years.
I looked at the sealable airtight container I was holding (of course with orange juice on the outside of it as well as the inside). It came with an extra plug (see attached photo). It fit The Infernal Hole in the Juice Spout perfectly. Really - they MUST KNOW I'm going to need it to correct your product. You should thank them for covering your asses.
I cleaned up everything once again.
Went through the pre-launch procedure once again.
Squeezed juice into glass.
With one hand.
100% of the juice in the container, and (reduntant I know);
0% of the juice anywhere else.
So I fixed your faulty machine with an odd part I happened to have on hand.
I've read the manual, and it doesn't address the hole at all. I tried every possible way to make it work without stopping the hole and I can't do it. The Juice Spout is a die casting. I am not an expert in die casting, and you might tell me the hole is necessary for the process. I doubt that, but it's a possibility. Then how about just including a plug so you can have your hole, and we can have 100% of our juice in the glass? I know the plug would be extra cost.
Here's an idea: include a coupon for the sealable container, which already has the extra plug!
It fits The Infernal Hole perfectly.
A coupon for a roll of paper towels would probably be a good idea as well.
Good day.
