Marc Friedlander
Captain – this is the helmsman. Can you get up to the bridge right away sir?
I can’t get up there right now – I’m resting in my cabin. What’s the trouble helmsman?
There’s an unidentified ship about 5 miles off the port bow. They don't respond to our calls or signals. We've tried all the bands. When we plot our projected headings, if we stay on our current course we will intersect that ship in about 15 minutes.
What? Intersect - did you say?
Aye aye sir – we're on a collision course. I recommend that we alter our heading 10 degrees starboard which will put us outside the projected collision zone and the other ship will easily pass on our port side.
Alter our heading, did you say?
Aye aye sir – we have to alter our heading to avoid the other ship. May I make the course correction sir?
What will be the impact to our schedule of altering course?
That is unknown at the current time, sir. It might delay us about 10 - 12 minutes.
What will be the impact to our fuel consumption?
That is also unknown sir, but the effect will be minimal.
And what about the unexpected effect on marine life, coastal erosion, and the global economy?
Marine life? Global economy? I don't understand what you're talking about sir. I don't see how there would be any appreciable effect on those things. But that ship is getting closer.
I need to know exactly what these impacts will be before I can approve any course changes. Get in touch with the home office and get their approval to do a study. Once you get their approval, then do the study on all these impacts and then have the ship’s engineering, marine biology, geology, oceanography, accounting, and navigating groups sign it off. No wait – first send me a copy of the study and then when I get a chance I'll look it over. Once I’ve approved it, then send it to the other departments for sign-off and only then will I approve a course correction. Oh wait – first estimate the time it’s going to take you to do the study. When do you think you can have it done?
Captain, there is no time for a study. PLEASE may I make the course correction right now? There is still time to avoid the collision!
Absolutely not, seaman! We can’t just alter our course willy-nilly like that, before we assess and understand all the impacts. Do you copy that helmsman?
CAPTAIN – I’M HAVING TROUBLE HEARING YOU NOW! PEOPLE ARE ALL YELLING UP HERE – THEY’RE SHOUTING AT ME TO TURN THE FUCKING SHIP! PLEASE CAPTAIN!!!
As I said helmsman – I need to understand the impacts. Estimate the time it will take to open a nautical course change study, then I want you to ...
I CAN’T HEAR YOU NOW – IT’S CRAZY UP HERE NOW – THE ENGINES OF THE OTHER SHIP ARE DROWNING YOU OUT!!!! IT'S RIGHT ALONG SIDE US!!!! WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Seaman – I said I need to asses the impact of the course change.
WHAAATTTTT!!!!!!!
I SAID THE IMPACT. THE IMPACT! THE IMPA…